Posted in All, My Story

Adventures in Sleep Training – Day one (and a half)

Today is day one of sleep training. We’ve hired a sleep consultant cuz I’m a mediocre parent at best and I need some outside help. Surprisingly not as expensive as I expected. We had a consult with her last week and then set up a sleep plan and basically a daily routine for us. Dave is off work for the next two days so we decided tonight is the night to begin.

I’ve basically spent the last five days worrying, since we decided Monday was the day. I’ve been super anxious about starting the sleep training. I’m not great at waiting. Gives me too much time to think. So instead of being negative about it all the time I just went over the reasons were doing this to myself and whoever would listen to me. By the time it came down to it I was feeling pretty good about it instead of feeling like it wasn’t going to work and it was hopeless.

So, as per the consultant’s program I started by bathing both babies and getting them into sleep sacks. I fed them both and then read them a story. Brought them into their room where we’d set up a second crib and blacked out the window with tin foil. Put them in their cribs, sang them a song, turned on the white noise machine and then closed the door. And now I offer you a play by play of the evening.

5:45pm – Did the first five minute check. They were both screaming too loud to hear me. But I said my “key phrase” either way and left them to their tears.

5:50pm – This time they were a bit more settled but started losing it again after I went in to do the check. I feel like an asshole.

5:55pm – Screaming still. I feel like a horrible person at this point, it sounds like I’m hurting them. I’d forgotten to replace their soothers in the first two check-in’s so I did it this time. Birdy went right down. Moose’s fell out of his mouth right away but I was told I can only put it in once so they learn their own methods of falling asleep.

6:00pm – Birdy was still out. I broke the rules and gave Moose a soother again. I held it in his mouth for a sec and let his head fall before I moved my hand away. He was out after that.

6:05pm – I didn’t do this check because they were both out. Holy shit, did it work? Are they sleep trained now? Do I have to keep doing this? I want to go have a much needed shower but I feel like it’s jinxing it and they’ll be screaming by the time I’m out.

6:40pm – Birdy started crying. Not sure how long she’s been up, but shes pissed now. She woke Moose up. He’s not crying yet but he’s definitely awake. Started the timer… Five minutes…

6:45pm – Birdy is pissed but sounds like she’s losing steam. Moose was quiet until I went in and talked to them. Now he’s screaming too.

7:28pm – They’re still super angry, in spite of my five minute checks. How long is this supposed to go on before I just go get them? They’re not slotted for food until midnight. Will they cry that long? I feel fucking awful. Like I’m suffocating them or something. I have to keep in mind why I’m doing this. This is for them, and for us. The babies need routine and structure. They’ve been super cranky lately, and not napping properly. They do better when they know what’s coming. Plus Dave and I need some mommy and daddy time. We miss each other even when we see each other all the time.

7:33pm – It’s been almost an hour. It almost seems like they settle and then I stir them back up by checking on them. Or one will be starting to chill out then I wake them up by talking to the other one. This feels like abuse. This isn’t abuse, right? Still haven’t cried but I feel sick to my stomach. I poured a glass of wine but I have a headache so I don’t really feel like drinking. Emotionally I feel like drinking but not physically. I’m a bad fucking mom. I shouldn’t be doing this to them. There has to be another way. I’m told there isn’t though, need to stick it out.

7:46pm – Dave to the rescue. I was holding it together before Dave came in but I started crying when he came home from work. He’s gonna take over the checks. It’s been over an hour and Moose is still losing it. Birdy found her soother and is just kinda chillin’ and playing with it.

7:56pm – Birdy has definitely chilled out but is still crying on and off. Moose is losing it. He’s the snuggly one out of the two. Birdy is more independent. I figured she’d be pissed for longer cuz she’s really Right as Dave went in to do the check, they both quieted up. So we skipped this check. As I was writing this, Moose started crying again. So we started the timer again. Then he stopped. So we stopped. I hate this. He’s going on and off. And we have to restart the timer everytime he stops.

8:15pm – Moose seems to have chilled out (not sleeping yet, but not screaming) but Birdy has woken up and is back at it. Again I’m wondering how helpful it is for us to be checking if we stir up the calm one whenever we check. But it’s not like we can just bail on the kids for the night. I just want them to sleep. It’s been an hour and a half. Fuck. I feel sick.

8:30pm – Babies are calm.

8:37pm – Birdy is pissed.

8:41pn – Birdy is down. Both babies are sleeping. Time for my shower?

9:30pm – Watching TV with Dave. Decided not to shower cuz it’ll wake up the kids. They’ve been asleep for 40 mins. Made bottles.

10:53pm – Still good…. Time to pump and then go to bed.

12:16am – The young man is up. Birdy is still out. Dave’s gonna feed him then change him, as opposite to our usual feed then change. Gonna get Birdy up in 15 minutes.

1:05am – We fed and changed the kids, and put them back in their cribs around 12:55am. Birdy didn’t fuss, she just kinda rolled around for ten minutes. Moose fussed a bit and made some noise but didn’t really cry. Then by 1 he was out. Gonna enjoy some much needed and well deserved sleep in our bed alone.

5:42am – Birdy’s awake, just kind of cooing and wiggling. We’re not supposed to go get them, even if it’s 5:59am. They kinda cried on and off so we were able to keep resetting the timer and get them at 6am proper.

6:15am – We changed them, took them out of sleep sacks and fed them. Now to keep them awake until 8:30. They’re super tired, Moose is still pretty disoriented and Birdy is bleary-eyed but pretty into in the exersaucer. We’ll see when they start getting angry and sleepy.

7:25am – Kids are mad cuz they’re tired and want to go back to sleep. Birdy’s eyes are literally closing but they can’t nap until at least 8. Gotta find ways to keep them awake and happy.

7:42am – We’ve been playing with them and holding them and trying really hard to not let them fall asleep. We had a little Rob Zombie dance party in the kitchen, now we’re gnawing on chew toys. The whining has started for sure. Dave finds this harder than letting them cry in the crib. I disagreed, up until the crying started.

8:05am – Kids went down easy. We changed them, put them in their sleep sacks, turned the light off and I sang them their song (Somewhere Over the Rainbow.) I didn’t even need to do that, or even say the key phrase as we left but I did anyways. Consistency is key, I’m told. I’m training myself here too.

One thing I can say for sure is that I can already see it working, and I can definitely see the light at the end of the tunnel. I’m hesitant to get excited about progress cuz I was told the first night might be easy but the following night or two will be hell. Either way – at least I can see things happening. For weeks we’ve had to fight them to go to sleep. Now we just spent half an hour fighting them to stay awake. What a switcheroo. Now, I nap. Dave and I have a call with our consultant at 9:15.

9:40am – Had our call with the consultant, and the kids are still sleeping. Apparently we have to wake them by 11 if they even sleep that long. I doubt it… Either way, back to sleep for me until they do wake up. Mama’s tired as hell. And this is the first time I’ve had a nap alone in my own bed in months.

9:44am – I jinxed it. Birdy’s up. But she’s really happy!

12:08pm – That was a fairly successful block. I even had to get Moose up, he kept sleeping after we got his sister. We fed them, got them in the jolly jumpers, then just played for a while. Like last time, they got fussy and sleepy around an hour before nap time. So we had to keep them distracted and entertained as they got increasingly pissed off. At 11:55 we read two little board books, then we changed them and put them in their sleep sacks. Put them in their cribs, turned on the Dohm (the sound machine) and sang them SOTR. Birdy cried for three or four minutes but she hasn’t started again since I stopped the timer. Fingers crossed. I’m going back down for a nap. ‘Sleep when they sleep,’ they all told me. Deal. Besides, Dave needs some quality time with the XBOX.

12:41pm – Moose woke up. Then just as the timer was about to beep, he found his soother and put it in his mouth. Now he’s quiet. So… Timer stopped but still ready.

1:53pm – Birdy woke up. Of course it’s the birdy.  The moose would sleep for hours if we let him. He’s usually a good sleeper once he’s asleep. Time to warm up the food…

1:54pm – False alarm! Food will be ready anyways.

2:33pm – Moose woke up first. Go figure, I guess I jinxed that too. We’d just been discussing if we should go wake them so we can keep bedtime to 530, then… Surprise! A waking baby. We decided (and had it confirmed by our consultant) that we’d put them down for their catnap around 4 and have them up for 5, so we can have them in bed for good at 630 or 7. So now we’re gonna go for a walk for their catnap. Might as well work off some of the anxiety eating I’ve been doing over the past 24 hours.

4:33pm – Hey fancy that, it’s been exactly two hours. We took the kiddos for the walk, Moose lasted about five minutes and Birdy took another five after that. I needed a shower desperately so I broke off from Dave to head back home and do that real quick. We’ll let them sleep until about 4:45 then wake them up again. Gonna wait until bedtime to feed them cuz it would only be like an hour later and they wait that long all the time. If they’re getting really hungry we can start our routine earlier.

6:41pm – At 6:10 we ran the bath and got the kids started on their bedtime routine. Wasn’t a full bath, just kinda rinsed them. Splashed some water, wet their heads… You know. A rinse. Got them fed, read a couple board books… Brushed their gums with their fancy brushes (just fits on our fingers. There’s toothpaste that goes with it but them not having teeth, it seems like overkill. Got the door closed at 6:40 and Moose immediately started crying. So the timer is on. Birdy is wiggling like crazy but not crying, so that’s promising. I guess we’ll see how this goes.

6:58pm – The emotions start right away, no valiant strength that fades or anything. Just straight to feeling like a horrible mother. I’ve done two checks so far and my heart is already breaking. I’m talking about it with Dave and he keeps telling me it’s ok, and to remember why we’re doing this. I reminded him that I’m just talking it out because it hurts. Moose is doing his cry where part of it is just “mamamamamama.” I don’t think he knows he’s saying mama but I do and that is even more heart wrenching. Gotta stay strong. The whole day went well, now comes the hard part.

7:06pm – As I put my phone down after writing the last bit, my alarm went off to go check on them. At the same time I heard the crying stop. I checked on the monitor and they’re both out. Holy shit. Did it really only take two or three checks? I’m sure we’re not out of the woods for the evening but still… That’s a good start.

Dave and I were talking earlier about how nice today has been, playing with the babies and enjoying them instead of being exhausted and overwhelmed by them and leaving them to play on their own. Just another reason to be sleep training.  Better quality of life all around! I feel like this will make me a much better parent in the long run. Like, incomparably better. I have time and the headspace to care more about my parenting, and also to take care of myself.

7:51pm – Both kids woke up but didn’t make it the full five minutes before they looked passed out again on the monitor. Within a couple more minutes they both started again. Now here comes the fun part. Last night it took two hours for this part to end.

8:03pm – I did the last check-in with the kids, and they seemed to stop crying. I’m headed to get DQ as a morale booster, Dave is in charge. I bet they’re still sleeping when I’m back.

10:08pm – Birdy woke up. They did good, stayed sleeping until now. I was right, they did really well.

10:38pm – She’s woken up twice now and we’ve only had to do one check on her. She’s asleep again for now. I think she’s hungry. I guess it’ll be a long hour and a half until food time.

12:39am – Moose woke up, and woke us up. Dave still had to go get Birdy. They’re so tired, they’re doing that adorable “I’m too tired to hold my head up” crash on our shoulders. Too cute. Must keep them awake. Fed them, doing a change, and back to bed. We’ve stayed up so late these last couple nights, I’m a wreck right now. Can barely keep my eyes open.

I decided to do a really in-depth list of updates. Maybe it would have helped me to know what things were really going to look like before I started. Maybe not. I dunno. I was really overwhelmed with the idea of sleep training, it seemed like such a daunting task. When the consultant was going over the twelve step bed time routine I asked if we could shorten it. Dave laughed at me, which made me feel really silly, and he and the consultant assured me it wasn’t as intense as I thought. Most of the stuff I was already doing. Bath time, dress them and put them in sleep sacks, feed them, read a story, put them in the cribs, sing a song, turn on the sound machine, say the ‘key phrase’ and then lights out and leave. We were already doing more than half of these things before. Wasn’t much of a change. Anyways… Maybe it’ll help, and maybe it’ll just be a record to remind me on the hard days that this can be done, and why it’s being done.

Posted in All, Useless Opinions

How to help a new mom/pregnant lady (mostly for non-parents)

This might seem kind of obvious, but I had a lot of really useless (but well-meaning) helpers when the kids came home so I thought I’d write a bit about it. This isn’t meant to be angry or bitter…. Just informative.

I’ve always been super defiant and obnoxiously independent, even when I was pregnant. We moved into our current place when I was 7 months pregnant (and huge) and my mother-in-law basically had to guard me to make sure I wasn’t doing any moving or serious unpacking. It drove me crazy but I understood, and underneath my defiance I was grateful for the help. The last thing I needed was to go into labour early (joke was on me anyways, I went into early labour 19 days later…)

Once I had the kids my ego dropped a bit. I knew I needed help. Watching the state of my house deteriorate was frustrating but I could do fucking nothing about it. I was drowning in newborns! I was at the hospital during pretty much all waking hours for the first 6 weeks of my kids lives, then after that the real work began. We had a cleaning lady for a bit but then COVID hit and she had to bail. But even before that I’d have a few of my friends come over to “help.” It was super frustrating. Not only was my perfectionism clashing with my not giving a fuck, but I was also so overwhelmed with becoming a parent – to twins no less. I had zero brainpower. Plus I was going through some sort of nesting phase where I just didn’t want to see anyone except my husband and my babies. I think this is important to mention because before kids I was incredibly social and loved to be around my friends. I still do, but it’s different now. I get way too exhausted to catch up or visit.

Anyways, these few friends would come by – well-meaning as they were – and ask me what I needed them to do. All I could muster is “I don’t know. Just come chill and hold a baby.” What I should have said was “yes, please do the dishes. Cut the veggies in the fridge. Watch these kids while I sleep/shower/leave the house for half an hour to see what the outside world looks like.” Because that’s what I really needed. I was just too brain-shot and sleep deprived to realize it. My mind went blank when they asked. And then I got somewhat resentful because they put me in a position to ask for it. I’m awful at delegating. I am way better at just doing things myself. There was at least one time where I just got people to hold or watch the babies while I got up and cleaned (which wasn’t the worst thing ever because at least I felt like I was accomplishing something. I didn’t find the first couple months of being a parent to be that rewarding. More on that later.)

Moral of the story – if you have a pregnant friend or a new mom in your life and you want to help, here’s a few ideas to get you going.

  • Bring snacks or prepared meals -The first 1 to 3 months of being a parent is a fucking blur. It’s hard to make time to eat, let alone put a meal together. Plus it’s nice to have finger foods or snacks when you’re living one-handed and it’s too easy to eat shit food all the time.
    • Make a lasagna or a shepherd’s pie or something for the freezer. Write reheat/cooking instructions on it so no brain power is involved.
    • Bring leftovers from the meal you made the night before.
    • Bake mini-muffins. See above comment about living one-handed. Morning glory muffins are a good way to get some veggies and vitamins. And it tastes like cake.
    • Bring washed and cut veggies/fruits. Good for the brain AND the butt.
    • Bring trail mix or something
    • Fuck it, bring chips and cookies and candy. Comfort food, yo!
  • If you want to help clean – just clean
    • Don’t ask what needs to be done. You can see what’s up, just pick a task and go to it.
    • If you feel the need to ask, maybe go about it like “hey I’m gonna do the dishes, is there something else that’s been bugging you that I can do first?” I bet you dishes is going to be the number one frustration. Or garbage. Or laundry….
  • Don’t be there just to chat
    • This one is tricky, but I’ll put it on cuz it’s how I felt. Your friend probably loves you but is super overwhelmed. If they want conversation, they’ll probably talk to you. Otherwise maybe just kinda hang out. Or don’t.
  • Help with kids (if you can/she wants you to)
    • Some moms are attached enough to their kids that they won’t want anyone really helping at that point. Some kids are so attached to their moms they’ll lose their shit if anyone else holds them. But in the event that kiddo takes a shine to you, let mom go get some sleep. Or maybe she wants to go for a drive or walk or something. Offer to hang while she goes to just be her for a minute, not mom.
  • Offer to pick up groceries or something for her
  • If you can’t do any of these things, don’t bug her.
    • Feel free to send a “hey, thinking of you” message or something but don’t expect a reply right away. The few friends I’ve had that have had babies since I had mine I specify that I am not expecting a reply at all, let alone in a timely manner. Shit is exhausting and overwhelming to say the least. I still have trouble talking to people. I just want to nest.
  • DON’T buy bouquets of flowers.
    • They’re too busy to change the water and they’ll likely just sit there dead and moldy for a few weeks until they start to stink.
  • DON’T stay too long. Hour or so is plenty unless you’re cleaning or whatever.
  • DON’T show up unannounced

This list obviously comes from my experience, and everyone is gonna be different and have a different take on it. But hopefully this offers a decent guideline for non-parents to help their new parent friends. I feel like if I had no kids I’d have zero idea about most of this. I remember when my close friend from high school had a baby almost seven years ago. I didn’t hear from her until a month or two later, and I was kind of offended she didn’t tell me right away. I actually think about that a lot lately, and laugh hysterically at myself in my head. If I only fucking knew…. If you don’t – I can only tell you that it’s an inexplicable experience. No one can prepare you for the changes in your life. It’s like a train wreck of hormones, emotions and more responsibility and work than you could imagine. It’s pretty rough for that first month or two, and stays rough for a while after. So cut your pals some slack!

Have you had a similar experience? Agree or disagree with things on this list? Comment and lemme know! I’d love to hear it.

Posted in All, Musings

The crescendo and the timbits

It got bad. It got to the point of calling the crisis line and considering putting myself in the hospital for a while until I could see the light again. Dave wanted me to quit pumping. We’d had heard about women that quit breastfeeding and almost immediately had their postpartum depression or anxiety clear up. My doctor hadn’t heard of this and couldn’t find any research on it, but he was on board with quitting because then we could safely adjust my medication. It made sense, but everything in my being was telling me that wasn’t the answer.

I put up a post on one of the twin mom groups on FB to see if other moms had dealt with this issue. I think there was 16 comments, and all but two or three talked about their PPD/PPA dissolving after they stopped breastfeeding. What caught me was those two or three saying that their issues worsened after they stopped breastfeeding. I wasn’t as worried about things getting worse, but what if nothing changed and I had sacrificed my milk. My babies need that to get the best start in life. Dave and the Doc argued that the difference between breast milk and formula was negligible compared to not having a mom either through distance and complications from depression, or through having to commit myself.. Or worse… And that’s a very valid argument. I hadn’t been doing tummy time with the kids, I barely played with them… Kind of just set them up to play or sleep and watched TV or played on my phone. Then I got mad when they started fussing but knew it was because they needed attention. I couldn’t handle their crying because I couldn’t cope with the stress of it, but also because I felt guilty. Like I’d failed them and was just giving up because of it.

I felt like I was in a pit like in Silence of the Lambs. Except instead of a pervert wanting me to lotion up to make for a nicer skin jacket, I had children screaming at me. Ok so not a great analogy, but it’s what I thought of when I felt like I was in a pit. It made sense to stop breastfeeding, but like I said – every single thing inside me told me that wasn’t the answer. I could find another way.

Last night I couldn’t get the kids calm, and could feel another mental meltdown coming. I went to visit Dave on his break and then went for a quick walk on the sea wall so the kids would chill. On the way I stopped to get a coffee, and some Courtenay Crack – birthday cake timbits. Holy shit those are a huge problem for me. Anyways… I was gonna get 10 but Dave wanted me to save him some, so I got 20. And of course ate all 20 of those little bastards on my 45 minute walk. That was my dinner. I felt like absolute shit for the rest of the night, I even thought I was going to throw up. But – BUT! I was in a pretty damned good mood and actually enjoyed my kids. What an insane concept!

Every once in a while I get really tired of my own shit and decide to make a change. Those timbits were the catalyst for that change. Not only did eating all that crap make me realize how much my diet was affecting me, but that short (and very enjoyable) walk brought my mood up higher than it had been in weeks. So I looked at the last few weeks of misery.

  • My diet had gone to shit and I was eating mostly sugar. Munching like crazy, barely drinking water, and I’d almost completely forgotten what vegetables tasted like
  • I hadn’t walked at all. Not even my quick laps around the neighborhood. Basically just to my vehicle and back.
  • I’ve been smoking a bit of pot on the weekends and nights where I am really, really losing my shit – which I know to be inflammatory to the body and a total depressant.

These are all super basic things that I know will help me. Even if I get one of these three under control the results would be staggering. But it’s cycle and always has been for me. I smoke pot and it makes me hungry, so I eat a whole bunch of shit food. Plus I get all groggy the next day, especially if I munch out (which I usually do because my mother in law always makes cookies.) I feel like shit and go into denial as to why I feel like shit, then all of a sudden two or three weeks later I’m having breakdowns and trying not to put myself in the psych ward. Before I had kids it was a totally manageable cycle. Now? Between the extra tonne of stress and the hormones from breastfeeding and being a new mom, it fucks me up.

So.. Once I put this together, I decided I was done with all of the misery and decided I had to make a change. If I do all of this and STILL can’t get my mood under control, ok sure. I’ll quit breastfeeding. But I can’t do nothing to improve myself and then feel good about not giving my kids breast milk. I’m lucky enough to be able to make as much milk as I do. I only have to give them an ounce of formula each bottle. And they’re on five or six ounce bottles right now. It’s mostly breast milk. And yeah, it’s not 100% fresh cuz I could never get into breastfeeding with them but it’s still breast milk. I owe it to those amazing little bastards to give them everything I can. I owe them the best version of myself. And that version doesn’t eat an entire batch of cookies after a joint every weekend.

With all that said, I publish my current goals. Maybe it’ll make me more accountable. I dunno..

  • Walk a MINIMUM of four times a week. Aim for seven, but shit happens and it’s been raining a lot lately. (Mall walks count though…)
  • Cut the fuck down on sugar. I’m not setting a specific parameter on this because I do use it to cope a lot, and I’m not sure how to successfully do it other than to avoid it as much as possible.
  • Only smoke pot once or twice a month instead of every weekend, but aim for zero pot. Sometimes I have panic attacks and lorazepam doesn’t really chill me out like it should. Saying I only have two freebies will make me really assess if the meltdown is worth substance abuse
  • Keep up with the blog. Finish all the drafts and the instructional stuff that isn’t just a glorified diary
  • Learn scriptwriting and try to start putting my movie and TV ideas into paper. Also, finish the damned children’s book.

There. You just became my accountabili-buddy. Go team! I’ll have to keep you posted. The writing goals are obviously really long term, but I think I could probably get some cool stuff down. I think I have cool ideas, but we all think we have cool ideas lol. Time to find out for realzzzzz…

Posted in All, Musings

It’s been a while

Damn, man. I started this blog and I was all gung ho to start blogging all the time. Then I got caught up on a post that I kept having to rewrite and just kind stopped. Funny how that happens. Plus, for some reason I have zero time to myself lately. Oh right! I’m a mom.

Had another good dip into the depths of postpartum misery. It’s intense! I know I’ve said this before but it’s amazing how quickly it comes over me. One minute I’m playing peekaboo, the next minute I’m in the fetal position on the bathroom floor with the fan on and my hands over my ears. I didn’t want to be a mom for like three days. And that made me feel like an intense failure, which made me want to be a mom even less because I felt like I didn’t deserve it.

I had some time to think about the misery because (as usual) Dave stepped up and took care of the kids while I laid down and chilled out. I mostly spent that time kicking myself. Kicking myself for not being able to do my job. For putting so much on Dave when he already works full time for us. For not giving those gorgeous kids the mom they deserve. For thinking I was ready for this intense responsibility when I wasn’t. Mostly I kicked myself for kicking myself. That’s a funny thing about misery, and I don’t know if it’s the same for everyone.. But I feel so much shame when I get depressed because my life is actually pretty fantastic. So I go into this silly shame spiral because I can’t climb out.

My sister is visiting, and we talked about it. One of the things we discussed is how I’m worried than when things even out and I’m not depressed anymore that I’ll still not want to be a mom. I don’t necessarily feel that way right this second, as I’m in a pretty good mood. But I feel that way a lot. There are days I love being a mom but it seems like as soon as things get too hard, I fall back into depression and feel like I can’t do it. Maybe it’s not every time there’s a bad day… I know there are a few days I can take it. But it really seems like I just can’t handle it when things get hard. She told me that it’s really obvious how much I love my kids, and I don’t remember exactly how she said it but it was the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me.

I have to find a way to make amends with these feelings. All this shame and frustration. Like I said, one of the things I’ve been struggling with is putting all that emotional weight on Dave. He’s such an amazing partner. Anytime I start feeling overwhelmed he steps up – no questions asked. He listens to me crying about the same old “I can’t do this” shit, holds me really tight, and then takes on both babies until I’ve had a chance to calm down. He acts like it’s all good but I know it weighs on him. It’s a lot. He works shitty hours at a monotonous job, then comes home and helps me with the kids. He really doesn’t get a lot of rest or fun time. I try to send him out to visit friends and stuff as much as possible but he says he loves to be around us. I wish I could keep it together for the kids, but more for him. He does so much for us. He’s an amazing dad and husband. I love him so much!

I guess all I can do is keep truckin’. Do everything I can to keep myself together so I can do everything I can for my family. They deserve it. Those kids are amazing, and Dave is the absolute best. I find when I have gone for walks a few days in a row my mood is great. The weather has been kind of shitty but the mall is open. I could strap on a mask, put blankets over the baby seats and just mall walk for an hour or two. I like the rain, and walking in it isn’t so bad. I just don’t have a proper way to keep the babies dry. Lately I’ve been arranging to walk with some friends. Only gotten one walk together… But the plans are there. It helps.

And back to the issue of food. I eat like such an asshole. An asshole that’s never seen a vegetable in her life. So much sugar… I am so aware of how much sugar fucks up the brain but it’s like I can’t stop eating it. It’s the only substance I can really abuse right now. Not that I’m a cokehead, but I’ve been known to have some drinks when feeling down. Maybe smoke one… Sure, not the healthiest way to cope but it works when I need it to. That was one of the hardest things to deal with when I was pregnant and having a hard time. Trying to figure out how to cope using only my brain. Still haven’t gotten a great handle on that obviously, as I still like to have a few drinks here and there. Especially when it’s been a rough week.

These are the things I need to do to keep it together. And shower, cuz I feel like a homeless bag of shit half the time… But that’s another issue.

I doubt this would help anyone with Postpartum, unless they just need someone to commiserate with. And if that’s the case, I’ve got you.

Posted in All, Musings, My Story, Useless Opinions

So, I guess I’ll start a blog…

I write this as my twin babies are being held by my fiance and mother-in-law. I started earlier with this super fantastic, amazing intro post but it met a fitting end. I reached over the computer to put a soother back in a baby face and closed the browser with my tit. Derp. Welcome to “My Tits Hurt,” so named for the thing I’ve said the most since I got pregnant. Might have even been the thing that tipped me off in the first place.

I figured I’d start blogging. Something between a mommy blog and a personal therapy journal, maybe. My grammar has gone to shit since the days of high school English (or maybe ‘Communications’ in College..) But I still feel like I can form coherent sentences. I guess you can be the judge. I did a lot of writing up until I finished high school. From little stories about animals in homemade storybooks in the early days of elementary school, to writing emo poetry in the early teens, and some epic short stories and essays in later grades. All lost forever. Man, I wish I could get my hands on even half of the stories. That shit was impressive! I digress.. I always say I’m going to start writing. A novel, a movie or TV script… A blog? Lately I feel like I have something I could start on. Maybe this will help me get past some intense writer’s block and I’ll get all of that done! I always found writing to help me sort out my thoughts. Being a new mother to twins in the middle of a pandemic – I have done a lot of thinking lately.

Life is funny. I used to judge people on their parenting long before I had kids, and think about how much better I could do it. I can hear Nelson Muntz pointing and laughing at me now for that. I’m learning just how much work it is, and how wrong I was about so many things – minor and major. For example: I was really cocky about postpartum depression. “I’ve dealt with my mental health problems, I have all the tools I need,” I said. In the words of 2007 – ROFLCOPTR. That shit hit me like a sack of hormonal bricks. Or like… How to ease a baby back into sleeping in their bassinets that just don’t friggin’ want to. Plus simple, less life altering things. How to make a baby registry. How to organize my nursery ahead of time so I don’t have to do it 6 different times while dealing with two f*cking newborns and a partner that works full time. I dunno. Just stuff I wish I knew, or maybe researched a little better before the babies came.

So – things about babies and things I wish I knew about babies. But also me working out my postpartum shit, and trying to figure out how to be the amazing parent that I decided I would be long before I even got pregnant. I want to have calm, cool and collected kids. And to have that, I’ve decided I have to step up and become the absolute best I can be. Put that up against time and energy levels… I don’t want to just half-ass it and expect them to learn how to be the best through instruction though – kids learn by example! Or seem to. Again with the parenting ego. I’ve had a lot of deep thoughts lately about parenting and how I want to do it. I’m learning a lot about how my ideas stack up against their individual personalities. My kids have SO much personality and they’re only 4 months old. And I don’t want to be the type of person that tries to break them to meet my ideals. I have to be able to work with their already amazing selves and turn them into amazing human beings. Ah – What a struggle! So I figure if I can get back into writing, maybe I can use it to sort my thoughts out and figure out what I want to do. I’d love to have people to get into the comments too, I wanna learn everything I can from people. I have no ego! Examine all the angles. Maybe we are going through the same shit, or even better – maybe we disagree and can discuss it. Or maybe I attract some haters that think I’m a bad parent. I’m good with that.

So, there you have it. The Diary of a MadMom. A candid, open-dialogued… I dunno, account? Journal? Diatribe? Let’s go with barely concise rant rife with curse words. And opinions. And probably bad grammar. Maybe even a pun or two. I truly hope you like it!