Posted in Musings, Useless Opinions

How do you mom when you really don’t want to?

Birdy does this thing where when she’s really tired and something’s pissed her off, she’ll cry and lay on the floor face down while wiggling her butt up and down like a worm. It’s very funny. She disagrees, but like… Who likes being told they’re cute when they’re mad?

I am feeling that way today. I’m not in a particularly bad mood or anything.. I just… really don’t want to mom. At all. This happens fairly often to me (and I assume many, if not all moms) but some of these days are worse than others. I’d rate this one like an 8 out of 10. The resistance is there but the frustration is not. I’m sure the frustration is on it’s way. Today it’s just indifference. Not towards my kids, they’re sitting happily eating their fruits and lentil crackers. I made them a nice mushroom and cheese omelet, tickled them and pretended to eat their feet on the change table, etc. I just really don’t want to.

So – to restate the question – How do you mom when you really, REALLY don’t want to? Sorry.. I don’t actually have an answer for you. I know. So misleading. When I really don’t want to mom, and I have no one to pawn my kids off on, I do the same thing you do. I just do it anyways. And it really sucks.

I wonder if I’m the only one who feels more exhausted after a break. I’ll go to my mother-in-law’s for the night with the kids, or even leave them there, and by the time I’m back to being a mom I am even more opposed to parenting. Don’t get me wrong – I am VERY grateful for the break. But like.. Jesus. Is it just because it isn’t a very long break? If I got a week, would I be more inclined to go back to being a mom? It feels like the times I’m most “on it” are when I haven’t had a break in a while.

I’d like to be clear in that I do like being a mom. I adore my kids. I hope I’m not making it sound like I spend every day waiting for it to be over. That does happen, but mostly I like hanging out with them and watching them grow. They’re insanely smart, super funny and obviously cute as hell. But holy fuck is this job exhausting. I might have written about this before, but I know I was having a conversation about it a while back. This is the most engaging and difficult job I’ve ever had, but also the most boring job I’ve ever had. It is an intense dichotomy of emotions, and it brings on a lot of guilt and feelings of inadequacy. Boredom is a brain killer, so that’s probably one of the leading causes of mom brain. I always feel like I should be doing so much more with them. I don’t know how to grab their attention, and I don’t really know how to play with them without toys. I see my family and friends playing with them and they’re so engaged, I feel like I don’t really get that level. I want to take some classes or read some books about it, but I’m so exhausted with life and a lack of it that I am not sure where to fit it in.

And now I’m trying to get back to work… The way I see it, a job is going to go one of two ways. Hopefully the responsibility and schedule will revive my brain and boredom, and still leave me exhausted but in a more satisfied way. If this is the case, I am hoping it will help me engage with my kids better and have more energy for them. Otherwise, it’ll just exhaust me that much more and my kids will suffer for the lack of energy. At that point we’ll have to figure out if it’s worth me having a job, because we’ll likely be breaking even with the cost of childcare. If there’s no benefit, there’s no point in me doing it. I feel like I need a job though. I’ve never not been bringing money in. This last year I’ve felt very…. Useless. Which sounds ridiculous cuz I’m raising two babies. But it’s true. It’s amazing how bored and unaccomplished I feel. I think a job can resolve that.

I’m hereby making a commitment though, that being a mom is my first job. If the job is getting in the way of me having the energy or wherewithall to raise my babies, I will quit and figure something else out. It would be amazing to have the extra income so Dave and I can buy a house. Trying to win the lottery hasn’t been working out.

I feel like we’ve gotten a bit off topic. Leave it to me to take a normal conversation and turn it into one about my feelings of inadequacy. I guess that kind of thing is easy when you spend two days periodically writing out something that’s suppposed to be a continuous thought. Basically, my best answer is…. I dunno. A stress ball? Freezing baby food on your more energetic days so you can be a lazy mom on other days? Invite friends over and ‘accidentally’ fall asleep on the couch while they’re playing with your kids? If there was an answer, someone would have found it by now. But this is probably something that’s plagued moms for centuries (and probably a lot worse in the past when women had fewer rights than cattle…)

I wish you luck and stiff drinks. Let me know your favourite mom short-cuts for your lazy days 🙂